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My Darling Christian Girl,

Recently, you made veiled references to the fact that you aren’t as sexually pure as you seem to think I demand.  You seemed distraught at this, and insecure as to the progression of our relationship because of it.  Let me be perfectly sarcastic with you:

I can’t believe you aren’t a spotless white virgin like I am and have been expecting to marry all of my life!  How could you have a normal sex drive BEFORE you get married, which will be at a far later date than any other period in human history?  This is going to ruin what would otherwise be a perfect wedding night!

I apologize if the sarcasm was a bit much.  The truth is, it doesn’t much matter what you have done sexually so far in your life, or if we don’t stay completely pure in our pre-marriage relationship.  Will there be repercussions?  Absolutely, we will reap what we have sown.  Is grace capable of covering these horrific sins?  Absolutely.  We live in grace.  It will be OK.

I don’t know what preachers and parents have told you guys like me expect in 21st century America in a wife, but if it’s a virgin, they are about 100 years late.  In this sex-obsessed marketing culture, it’s impossible to make it to 16 without seeing someone naked in print or movie, and that affects and distorts expectations in some way.  The statistics are astounding; about half of high-school students report having already lost their virginity (Kinsey or CDC), and almost 30% of women report being sexually violated (CDC again).  These are terrifying statistics, and mean that not too many women are making it past college and into this young-professional dating hell in which we find ourselves untouched and clean as fresh-driven snow.  I have come to terms the statistical reality that I will not likely marry a woman without a sexual story to tell.  I am not terribly disappointed in you, as your expression seems to suggest.

It would be wrong of me to judge you for something you have repented of, and been forgiven of, and changed from; I cannot legitimately argue with God’s grace.  I would be a hypocrite, as I have also been scarred sexually.

When I finally marry a woman, we will both have sexual baggage to bring along.  While our particular luggage may have different brands and weights, there has never been a marriage EVER where there weren’t misconceptions, scars, too lofty of expectations, idolatry, and disappointment in bed.  But, we will be in good company struggling through these, each other’s.  There will be many nights of bitter crying as God uses this to heal each of us, but that’s what married people sign up for.  I can only promise to work hard at it, and aspire to eventually become semi-proficient at the act of lovemaking.  Hopefully by the time I retire, I will have an idea of what’s going on.

And, let’s just get it out in the open, a Christian’s wedding night is set up to be awful.  The bride and groom are tired, I plan on still being mildly intoxicated for mine, and if they have by-the-grace-of-God abstained from sex, they will have no idea what they are doing.  I propose that all Christians resolve now to not set our wedding night on a pedestal, and instead have a good laugh about it when we clumsily finish and/or give up.

Not disappointed with what he sees,

A Christian Guy