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My Fabulous Fiancee,

I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.  I know that our wedding will be beautiful, and you will look radiant, and I will be the luckiest guy in the world.

However, I have a few… recommendations as you and your girls plan this special day:

  1. We need dancing at the reception.  I am sorry you have a Nazerene-Primitive-Baptist uncle who believes that playing cards, going to the cinema, and dancing are a one-way ticket to the brimstone, but we need to dance.  I love dancing, it gives us an excuse to take a ballroom class, and it makes the reception so much more of a raucous party.  If Uncle Ebeneezer wants to skip the reception, that’s fine, but this is our party and we will dance if we want to.
  2. We need a bar at the reception.  My groomsmen need to dance with your bridesmaids.  However, most of my boys are white.  Not the “cool white” either, I majored in the sciences and they are the “socially-uncomfortable-nerd white.”  We will need to get them at LEAST tipsy to allow the mixing and meeting to happen at an appropriate level.  If Aunt Martha has a problem, tell her to keep it to herself. Speaking of Aunt Martha…
  3. There should be a dress code, and ankle-length skirts aren’t required.  If someone wants to wear a short skirt, that’s her prerogative   You can decide now how many fingers mini it can be for your bridesmaids, but I do want to invite our pagan friends to this, and many of them don’t OWN an ankle-length skirt.  Tell Aunt Martha that she is perfectly welcome to skip the reception.  She doesn’t even need to get us a gift.
  4. You get intro music to come down the aisle, awesome.  Can I get the theme to Indiana Jones, Pirates of the Caribbean, or “Sexy and I Know It” for me and my boys to strut in to?  In the name of gender equality?   Maybe?
  5. If your mother is going to cry, or cause you to cry, can we not let her help plan?  The same can go for mine.
  6. I would be happy marrying you in a backyard, so don’t think that you have to spend a bazillion dollars.  Also, we could throw a KICKIN’ bbq buffet/ dance rave reception that everyone would talk about for years to come.
  7. I love you.  Regardless of the wedding.

Love and kisses and anticipation,

A Christian Fiance

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