My Disappointed Damsel,
Please forgive me.
Not for what I have done, or necessarily what I haven’t done. Not even for who I have been. Please forgive me for who I haven’t been.
You inspire me to live my true life. God created me an acorn, and I have a tree to grow into. God has given us both glimpses of who that will be, but it’s like a suit coat on a teenager: it is baggy for now. I don’t yet fill it. When I finally do, I think I will find myself in a casual conversation with St. Peter. In the meantime, I feel like I am imitating my potential, or, in darker moods, I feel like I am pretending to be that person who I not-yet am.
Every time I am around you, I clearly hear the call to live into that potential. But the reflection of myself that I see in your eyes is not well known to me. He does not look like the person who co-habitates my life. In my core, I am the me that was born again, but always living with the momentum of the me-that-was-born-and-daily-dies. It’s not that the old self has power, but only that the terrain has become accustomed to it. Even if all of the deer of a forest die, the trail will remain for years. Making a new trail is hard work.
And I am weak. So very, very weak. Some days, I walk down the old trail and don’t even glance at the new. Others, I sit and do nothing. I am grieved that I am so weak I cannot even shed my weakness.
I wish I could be your Aragorn. Ever strong when you need me, steadfast and faithful. The truth is, I am more of a Pippin. I feel in over my head almost all the time, more interested and capable in sitting down to a feast than battling orcs. I feel inadequately prepared for our relationship and life in general, and all I can do is hope that my infrequent efforts catch a whiff of luck and keep me from death or dismemberment. It’s not the picture of a brave warrior who rescues damsels in distress, but such am I.
Yesterday, I wasn’t living in light of my potential. I wasn’t heeding the call God has placed on my life. I have repented, but there will be many more days like that to come. I asked God to show me what living in grace means, and he keeps showing me how hopeless I am without him. I don’t deserve anything admirable, and his intervention and strength in spite of my weakness is my only explanation for the few times things go right or good in life.
Forgive me for not being who I should. Forgive me for disappointing the reflection in your stricken eyes. Forgive me for being to wise to promise it will never happen again, because I know it will.
On days like this, when I pick myself up from the mud and put just one foot in front of the other, I thank God for excellent travelling companions such as yourself, my sweet, disappointed damsel. Please walk with me in his grace.
Your meek hobbit,
A Christian Guy